TESTIMONY – CELEBRATE RECOVERY
Testimony
I joined the Mighty Wings program in February 2014 to support my Husband on his journey of Recovery from drug addiction. I soon learnt that I had started my own journey of recovery on that day as well.
Over the last 13 years I have been struggling with Co - dependency / enabling / Controlling Tendencies and Denial.
He and I met when I was 14 and we soon became close friends. From the moment we met I knew that he was the man I wanted to marry. We starting dating a few years later, he was smoking weed at this stage but I didn't think anything of it and enjoyed being a part of the cool crowd.
Shortly after we started dating one of his friends told me that he was using cocaine, I had lived a very sheltered life and all I knew about drugs was that they were bad. My mom had recently passed away so I turned to his mom instead and figured the problem had been solved.
I had always been daddy's girl but after my mom passed away our relationship started going sour. I started drinking and going out with him and started rebelling. I eventually moved in with him during our matric year. I knew he was using drugs on the weekends as instead of inviting me out with him I would baby sit his little sister, his parents were party animals too and would go out often. There were no rules in his house and I loved the freedom. So I didn't mind sitting at home and I thought his occasional drug use was ok at this stage. I was in denial and thought it was just a stage he was going through.
Over the next 13 years of my life I got a wake up call and realised that this was not the case. My life became chaotic, unmanageable and lonely.
After School I was awarded a full bursary for university and he started attending a marketing college and was partying on the weekends. I then proceeded to drop out of varsity and started partying with him for a few months. We messed around for a little while and then I decided to get a job so I went to go and work for his uncle.
I was then offered a better job with a better salary out in the north and started working there, I got myself a second job during this stage as I was often home alone so wanted to keep myself busy.
I started working 16 / 17 hour days, I decided to run away from his problem and him. During this time his drug use had escalated to more frequent use, and to harder drugs. He started using crack cocaine and would often visit me at my work to steal my phone or take money out of my bag. This is when I started hating drugs and what they were doing to him. I was very miserable when I was at home. I kept begging him to stop and he kept promising me that he would, that it was his last time. He would be so believable.
He would come to me and ask for money for petrol or food or something and I would give him the money for those things and he would use the money on drugs and not on the things that he needed like he said.
The one time he stole my card without telling me and spent all the money in it and returned it to my wallet without me knowing, I ran out of petrol that day and when I tried to draw money for petrol there was none – he then ignored my calls and eventually after getting hold of him and telling him he promised he would be there to help me and then didn’t show up eventually I called his mom and she had to come all the way out to pay for the petrol.
I did get to a point when enough was enough and I was on my way to get my stuff – I had an accident and was shaken up so he comforted me during this time and I didn’t end up breaking things off.
He would come home and be extremely paranoid. He would steal my phone and my bank card and spend all the money. I used to sleep with my phone and my wallet under my pillow so at least I would have petrol to get to and from work the next day. I would get home late at night and he wouldn’t be home, he would call my work and we would fight while I was at work as I could hear on the phone that he was high – he blamed his drug use on me never being at home and I blamed working so much on him never being there. His mom and I had put him into SANCA for 28 days but he came out and was using straight afterwards.
The once he came home high and promised me with all his heart that he would stop using after that day but that he just needed to say goodbye to the drugs. He just wanted his one last hit. He seemed so believable and eventually he managed to manipulate me into believing that if I just paid for this one last hit he would stop. I told him fine but he isn’t going alone as he would probably not come home and I thought if I was there I could control the situation so I went with him to buy crack, he didn’t even wait till we were home so I didn’t have to watch him and he smoked it in front of me in the car on the way home. I felt Sick.
It got to a point that I finally had to face that the screaming and shouting and empty treats of leaving wasn’t working, that his empty promises of this being his last time was in actual fact not his last time, he needed professional help. So his mom and I checked him into a rehab facility which was a 6 month program but he was not willing to go for the full term and I was not willing for him to be gone for so long either so we checked him out after 3 months. He came out of the recovery program and told me to stop working so much. So I quit my job and I decided to go back to university to finish my studies.
During this year while I was studying and Jett was clean we fell pregnant and at 7 months pregnant Jett started using drugs again – he never went back to crack but he started using CAT. He would sneak out of the house and would leave our sliding door unlocked and open while I was asleep in the bed.
He was there on the day Peyton-Lee ( our Daughter ) was born. Thereafter he came to visit once I think. He would stumble into the house at 05:00 in the morning and would sometimes make a bottle for me for the 06:00 feed but that was about it. It was like he didn’t care, that I was only there to service him and to provide money and a means and way for him. Peyton – Lee was born in December 2008.
I was dealing with feelings of worthlessness and a very low self-esteem, Why didn’t he love us enough to stop using? What didn’t he care? He had a family that loves him so much and would do anything for him why wasn’t that enough?
He would disappear for days on end with no communication that he was alive, he would ignore my phone calls, I would even leave messages that were lies that I had been in an accident or that someone was trying to break into our house, I would send him a bbm and could see that he would read it but he would still not answer his phone. I would beg him to please come home now, sometimes if it has been way too long that he was away I would beg him to come home and would say he could even use the drugs home but he still would not come.
I would jump in the car with our daughter late at night and drive the streets looking for him. Going to all his local spots, passed his friends’ houses and through very unsafe areas looking for him and his car!! If I found him, I would hoot and hoot and make a huge fuss. If I found him on the road waiting for the dealer we would have a car chase and drive through red robots until he lost me. Sometimes I wouldn’t even be able to see as I was crying so much but I would still drive around with my baby in the car looking for him.
Eventually just before our daughters 1st birthday his mom and I put him back into rehab with Tokkie for another 3 months and not 6 as we thought he didn’t need the full program he just needed to have a few months clean time and then the problem would be solved.
While Jett was in rehab the second time round I took over from him and started calling on his clients for his uncles company, He came out and we moved out into our own place ( Renting a place from my dad ) I was doing very well with my one job and earning a decent commission based salary
Jett’s started using drugs again right where he had left off and things got bad again and my work performance was suffering as I was either too tired or too depressed to concentrate properly at work. I went to work with hardly any sleep as I would not be able to sleep worrying about him the night before, my eyes would be puffy and I was too embarrassed to go to a client.
Jett got a bit of a scare and managed to stay clean for about 7 months and got himself a job in March 2011 and was doing really well, he landed some awesome deals in his job during this time and was staying clean and I got a new car and we were not in debt and things were looking up – he then starting using again and eventually lost his!! After being fired he did get another job in January of 2013, I was so looking forward to some financial relief from all the debt and expenses that had accumulated and I was soo happy that I would be able to get some sort of money from him and then once he got paid I didn’t see him for two days and when he came home he had spent every single cent. During that month then he sold his golf clubs as well as the computer and cell phone he had got from his new job and I had to fork out additional money to purchase the stuff back twice otherwise he would have been fired. Then in Feb he did it again and was consequently fired in march due to non-performance and not rocking up for work and didn’t have a job again and had no inclination to get one either !!!
On top of all the financial pressure, I had lost most of my family and friends at this stage as they were so tired of hearing me complain and never leaving or doing anything about it. I lied for him and I ended up isolating myself as I was too embarrassed about everything. I wouldn’t go out because I thought if he was at home or if he came home I would be able to prevent and stop him from going out more or from stealing anything. I kept asking God to make him stop and then I would get angry because he wouldn’t stop even though he would beg and plead for me to forgive him and to believe that that was truly his last time. I knew in the back of my mind that he would be doing it three days later again but I would always give in and believe in what he said just to get disappointed a few days later. I used to get sooo cross with myself for giving in and giving him money when he told me he needed petrol or this or that and I knew he was planning to go get drugs but I still gave him the money and then would call him every 10 minutes to see what he was doing but he would never answer.
This in turn made me feel like he didn’t care about me and that only when he ran out of money or drugs would he care enough to pound on the door and wake up the neighbourhood until I had to let him inside, with his very sorry face.
There were so many times that he would promise and promise that he was never going to touch that stuff and that he would do something about it – go to NA / Or something and he made me believe him and if I didn’t believe him he would make me feel guilty. He would go to one NA meeting and then pretend to go to the rest but it was just an excuse to get out of the house to use more drugs.
So many times that either he would run me a bath and then sneak out while I was in the bath and had stolen my cell phone. He would disappear with stock in the car that I needed to deliver to a client the next day but he wouldn’t answer so I had to lie to the client and say my car broke down etc. He would start a fight with me just to have an excuse to leave and I would always fight him back knowing that it was just an excuse to leave. The one time I had organised my best friends baby shower and he stole my phone on the night before the baby shower and all the people trying to call to confirm directions etc couldn’t get hold of me so some people didn’t come etc so in turn I let my best friend down. This list is endless as it happened twice sometimes 3 times a week.
The amount of times I had to buy his cell phone, my cell phone, our PlayStation etc back is ridiculous but I kept buying them back. He sold my bracelet that had been passed down from my mom to me to his drug dealer and was too afraid to tell me about it that when he eventually did the dealer had already sold it and I was unable to get it back. This was very upsetting to me as there wasn’t much that I had got from my mom just a few pieces of jewellery and now it was gone. I ended up overworking and trying anything I could to cover the biils. Things got bad and I had to sell my car instead of having it re-possessed, we moved back into the cottage at his parents’ house and I was miserable.
My dad disowned me and didn’t want anything to do with me and we didn’t speak for many years because I refused to leave Jett, I refused to give up on him, he had soo much potential in him and I couldn’t let him throw it all away for a bit of powder!!! I was adamant that It was up to me to fix him, I was supposed to be his role model and if he could just see that there is a way to live without drugs that he wouldn’t need them. I took on all his responsibilities so he could be more comfortable maybe this would make him stop. I tried being nice and gentle and understanding towards his feelings, I tried being angry and cross and threatening, I tried babying him and covering for him and taking on all his responsibilities until all he had was his drugs !!! Nothing worked !! I felt helpless and I felt like a failure I didn’t know what to do.
His using friends would sympathise with him and listen to his excuses and make him feel better about himself. I wouldn’t and I was sometimes horrible to Jett when he came home or when I hauled him out of some dark pit – I would say harsh things, things I didn’t mean things like he was useless and a piece of garbage. I would be so angry when I finally found him alive or when he would finally come home. As soon as I knew he was alive all my worry and pain turned to anger and I wanted to hurt him like he had hurt me. I would look like the bad person to him and his using friends, I was the one who called the cops on them and who stormed in and bashed on their gates to ruined their fun, their escape from reality, a few times when I would catch him out somewhere after a couple of days I would physically abuse him. I thought punching him would make him change his mind about using again.
I was convinced that it was my duty to make him stop using and I tried everything expect sending him to a long term rehab program and sticking to consequences – I easily felt sorry for him and would give into him. I couldn’t send him away for 6 months because I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from him for so long. So throughout the years we tried short term programs – sent him to ARCA in Durban for the Naltrexone Tablets and Detoxification and he would come back and be using again within a couple of weeks, we tried sharp for 28 days but again he was using within a few weeks again. The financial pressure paying for the rehab programs on top of the drug use was huge and extremely tough to deal with.
We then heard of mighty wings and we started attending the program a few years back. Jett wasn’t ready to stop using drugs though and he stopped coming after about two months as after testing positive there were consequences and he didn’t want to face them, I stayed on the program until it came to having to do my step 4 and I ran away. Attending the program for those couple of months really started to help me to get on the right track and enforcing the consequences for the boundaries that I managed to put into place. I started doing things for myself and I started playing netball once a week and rekindled some of my old friendships. I started putting my daughter first and started realising that I couldn’t control him – even though I still tried to. I was in huge denial, it took me a long time on step 1 and realising what was in my control and what was not! It was not my fault that he was using drugs and it was not up to me to make the choices for him. I ran away the first time round after being too scared to do my step 4 – I am now so grateful and feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders now that I have completed it.
His mom came to me one day and begged me to do something to help him, Jett then came to me and begged me for help as well so we made a consequence that should he use again he would go to healing wings for 6 months. He ended up using again with a client two weeks later – I had already made the plans with the rehab and there was a space available for him. It took us a week to sort out finances and to get all of his stuff together – he tried and his mom tried to say one more chance and I decided to finally stick to the consequence – even though it was killing me inside – 6 months is a long time but I do not regret that decision at all!!! The program there was amazing and I have seen such an amazing growth in Jett . He then came out of healing wings in December 2013 and we got married in February 2014.
During the time that Jett was in healing wings I had become very depressed and I escaped the world by reading fantasy books and isolating myself as I was so dependent on him, my self-worth was so dependent on him and I was lost without him – my gran passed away and a month later my uncle passed away – I was under so much financial pressure as the medical aid had cancelled our membership when I applied for them to assist in paying towards the rehab, I was not paid my salary and was desperate for some financial relief so we decided to sell Jett’s car to contribute towards his rehab fee’s – Jett agreed and we sold his car to assist with the bills.
I had been attending church quite regularly prior to Jett going into healing wings – I had always had a close relationship with God until my mom passed away and I blamed him for taking her away just before I needed her – After Jett came out of rehab the first time round we started attending church on a very irregular basis and after attending mighty wings the first time around I started attending church a lot more regularly. My relationship with God was coming right. God gave me the strength and the hope and positivity I needed for the coming week. He gave me the patience and forgiveness I needed to have. So during my time escaping a verse came into my head one night as I was reading the bible – Matthew Chapter 6 Verse 33 – “ But Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well “ this played in my head for about a week and I decided to give it a try – Put god First and all things will be given to you sounds like a plan – it is in the bible so it must be true right ?? Another verse then started shouting at me Jeremiah 29:11 “ For I Know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future “ Now this is something I really need !!
The following Sunday I decided to give my life fully back to God and to commit myself to serving, I started serving at the Sunday school in my church and my life started to take shape. It didn’t happen overnight but I had a joy in my heart witnessing young lives coming to know Jesus and accepting him into their hearts – I wanted more - I had a hunger for life now and a hunger for God and I felt alive. It was amazing witnessing the testimonies of what God was doing in the lives of others and it gave me hope. Having such a close relationship with God at this stage was vital when we went to visit Jett for his weekend out of healing wings he had decided to share with me his step 4 and some of the things that he had gotten up to while in addiction that I was unaware of – If God was not my pillar at this stage I do not think that I would have been able to carry on. With God at my side I have forgiven Jett for everything he has done throughout his addiction and I love him even more today for having the courage to share those things with me.
Jett ended up relapsing in February 2014 as we didn’t follow his relapse prevention plan, we became complacent and thought the problem had sorted itself out. I had learnt the value of consequences and that one relapse can and will escalated into full blown drug use if not dealt with immediately it was either go to mighty wings or back to rehab and we decided to give mighty wings a try. We signed onto the program and Jett relapsed again a week later – this time we needed a more severe consequence – Jett I think had reached a point where he also didn’t want to disappear into the world of addiction again and he agreed to sign a court order 33. We have been on the program since February 2014 and ever since his recovery started in July 2013 with Healing Wings and throughout this year at Mighty Wings I have seen a phenomenal growth in Jett – He has grown into a man who takes his consequences and does them – I am so proud of him and so lucky to have him in my life.
Mighty Wings has helped me so much not only with all the emotions and feelings that I have experienced but also with learning how to cope and deal with everyday life in a positive manner, with raising my daughter with Love and just being joyous. The program has equipped me with skills and lessons on how to better myself and my life. I have grown so much as a person. I do still tend to struggle with co-dependency at times but I am constantly checking myself on my character assets and defects. I am so much more self-aware and I am striving to be a better person and to live a life that makes an impact for God! In my own strength I would not have been able to get to where I am today and I thank God and Mighty Wings for helping me get here.
Throughout working the program at Mighty Wings I have realised that no matter how hard I tried to get him to see that what he was doing was wrong and no matter what I did or said I could not change his mind and I could not make him stop using drugs. I realised that he would not stop unless he wanted to. I learnt that I could not take his abuse personally and I have learnt my worth. I leant that he was not choosing drugs over me, the drugs had control over him and I learnt that I am not worthless. Throughout his addiction I felt like he didn’t love me but I now know that he does. It was him that he didn’t love, he felt like he was worthless and unable to cope without the drugs because it made him feel normal. It hurt me so much when I believed that he hated me and was hurting me on purpose. But working through the program has helped me to understand a lot more and to love myself again.
This journey has not been easy and in the beginning worrying about Jett and worrying about the consequences and are they too harsh for him and after 100 days worrying about him having some financial freedom, worrying about letting go of the “control” I had was not easy but it has been so worth it. Jett is growing and has become independent and now pays towards his daughters schooling and towards the medical aid and household expenses and I am so proud of him. He has grown because he faced his consequences, If I had refused to let him suffer through that he would not be where he is today. So for those of you that are worrying about their loved ones and worried about how they are going to react to their consequences and responsibilities just remember that if they don’t have them how are they going to grow. Stick to the program and follow the steps, it may not be easy but it is definitely worth it. I now have a partner in my life by my side, who is my best friend and an amazing husband and father to our daughter. He is and will always be the love of my life and I am so proud of him and I thank the program and God for that.
Testimony
I joined the Mighty Wings program in February 2014 to support my Husband on his journey of Recovery from drug addiction. I soon learnt that I had started my own journey of recovery on that day as well.
Over the last 13 years I have been struggling with Co - dependency / enabling / Controlling Tendencies and Denial.
He and I met when I was 14 and we soon became close friends. From the moment we met I knew that he was the man I wanted to marry. We starting dating a few years later, he was smoking weed at this stage but I didn't think anything of it and enjoyed being a part of the cool crowd.
Shortly after we started dating one of his friends told me that he was using cocaine, I had lived a very sheltered life and all I knew about drugs was that they were bad. My mom had recently passed away so I turned to his mom instead and figured the problem had been solved.
I had always been daddy's girl but after my mom passed away our relationship started going sour. I started drinking and going out with him and started rebelling. I eventually moved in with him during our matric year. I knew he was using drugs on the weekends as instead of inviting me out with him I would baby sit his little sister, his parents were party animals too and would go out often. There were no rules in his house and I loved the freedom. So I didn't mind sitting at home and I thought his occasional drug use was ok at this stage. I was in denial and thought it was just a stage he was going through.
Over the next 13 years of my life I got a wake up call and realised that this was not the case. My life became chaotic, unmanageable and lonely.
After School I was awarded a full bursary for university and he started attending a marketing college and was partying on the weekends. I then proceeded to drop out of varsity and started partying with him for a few months. We messed around for a little while and then I decided to get a job so I went to go and work for his uncle.
I was then offered a better job with a better salary out in the north and started working there, I got myself a second job during this stage as I was often home alone so wanted to keep myself busy.
I started working 16 / 17 hour days, I decided to run away from his problem and him. During this time his drug use had escalated to more frequent use, and to harder drugs. He started using crack cocaine and would often visit me at my work to steal my phone or take money out of my bag. This is when I started hating drugs and what they were doing to him. I was very miserable when I was at home. I kept begging him to stop and he kept promising me that he would, that it was his last time. He would be so believable.
He would come to me and ask for money for petrol or food or something and I would give him the money for those things and he would use the money on drugs and not on the things that he needed like he said.
The one time he stole my card without telling me and spent all the money in it and returned it to my wallet without me knowing, I ran out of petrol that day and when I tried to draw money for petrol there was none – he then ignored my calls and eventually after getting hold of him and telling him he promised he would be there to help me and then didn’t show up eventually I called his mom and she had to come all the way out to pay for the petrol.
I did get to a point when enough was enough and I was on my way to get my stuff – I had an accident and was shaken up so he comforted me during this time and I didn’t end up breaking things off.
He would come home and be extremely paranoid. He would steal my phone and my bank card and spend all the money. I used to sleep with my phone and my wallet under my pillow so at least I would have petrol to get to and from work the next day. I would get home late at night and he wouldn’t be home, he would call my work and we would fight while I was at work as I could hear on the phone that he was high – he blamed his drug use on me never being at home and I blamed working so much on him never being there. His mom and I had put him into SANCA for 28 days but he came out and was using straight afterwards.
The once he came home high and promised me with all his heart that he would stop using after that day but that he just needed to say goodbye to the drugs. He just wanted his one last hit. He seemed so believable and eventually he managed to manipulate me into believing that if I just paid for this one last hit he would stop. I told him fine but he isn’t going alone as he would probably not come home and I thought if I was there I could control the situation so I went with him to buy crack, he didn’t even wait till we were home so I didn’t have to watch him and he smoked it in front of me in the car on the way home. I felt Sick.
It got to a point that I finally had to face that the screaming and shouting and empty treats of leaving wasn’t working, that his empty promises of this being his last time was in actual fact not his last time, he needed professional help. So his mom and I checked him into a rehab facility which was a 6 month program but he was not willing to go for the full term and I was not willing for him to be gone for so long either so we checked him out after 3 months. He came out of the recovery program and told me to stop working so much. So I quit my job and I decided to go back to university to finish my studies.
During this year while I was studying and Jett was clean we fell pregnant and at 7 months pregnant Jett started using drugs again – he never went back to crack but he started using CAT. He would sneak out of the house and would leave our sliding door unlocked and open while I was asleep in the bed.
He was there on the day Peyton-Lee ( our Daughter ) was born. Thereafter he came to visit once I think. He would stumble into the house at 05:00 in the morning and would sometimes make a bottle for me for the 06:00 feed but that was about it. It was like he didn’t care, that I was only there to service him and to provide money and a means and way for him. Peyton – Lee was born in December 2008.
I was dealing with feelings of worthlessness and a very low self-esteem, Why didn’t he love us enough to stop using? What didn’t he care? He had a family that loves him so much and would do anything for him why wasn’t that enough?
He would disappear for days on end with no communication that he was alive, he would ignore my phone calls, I would even leave messages that were lies that I had been in an accident or that someone was trying to break into our house, I would send him a bbm and could see that he would read it but he would still not answer his phone. I would beg him to please come home now, sometimes if it has been way too long that he was away I would beg him to come home and would say he could even use the drugs home but he still would not come.
I would jump in the car with our daughter late at night and drive the streets looking for him. Going to all his local spots, passed his friends’ houses and through very unsafe areas looking for him and his car!! If I found him, I would hoot and hoot and make a huge fuss. If I found him on the road waiting for the dealer we would have a car chase and drive through red robots until he lost me. Sometimes I wouldn’t even be able to see as I was crying so much but I would still drive around with my baby in the car looking for him.
Eventually just before our daughters 1st birthday his mom and I put him back into rehab with Tokkie for another 3 months and not 6 as we thought he didn’t need the full program he just needed to have a few months clean time and then the problem would be solved.
While Jett was in rehab the second time round I took over from him and started calling on his clients for his uncles company, He came out and we moved out into our own place ( Renting a place from my dad ) I was doing very well with my one job and earning a decent commission based salary
Jett’s started using drugs again right where he had left off and things got bad again and my work performance was suffering as I was either too tired or too depressed to concentrate properly at work. I went to work with hardly any sleep as I would not be able to sleep worrying about him the night before, my eyes would be puffy and I was too embarrassed to go to a client.
Jett got a bit of a scare and managed to stay clean for about 7 months and got himself a job in March 2011 and was doing really well, he landed some awesome deals in his job during this time and was staying clean and I got a new car and we were not in debt and things were looking up – he then starting using again and eventually lost his!! After being fired he did get another job in January of 2013, I was so looking forward to some financial relief from all the debt and expenses that had accumulated and I was soo happy that I would be able to get some sort of money from him and then once he got paid I didn’t see him for two days and when he came home he had spent every single cent. During that month then he sold his golf clubs as well as the computer and cell phone he had got from his new job and I had to fork out additional money to purchase the stuff back twice otherwise he would have been fired. Then in Feb he did it again and was consequently fired in march due to non-performance and not rocking up for work and didn’t have a job again and had no inclination to get one either !!!
On top of all the financial pressure, I had lost most of my family and friends at this stage as they were so tired of hearing me complain and never leaving or doing anything about it. I lied for him and I ended up isolating myself as I was too embarrassed about everything. I wouldn’t go out because I thought if he was at home or if he came home I would be able to prevent and stop him from going out more or from stealing anything. I kept asking God to make him stop and then I would get angry because he wouldn’t stop even though he would beg and plead for me to forgive him and to believe that that was truly his last time. I knew in the back of my mind that he would be doing it three days later again but I would always give in and believe in what he said just to get disappointed a few days later. I used to get sooo cross with myself for giving in and giving him money when he told me he needed petrol or this or that and I knew he was planning to go get drugs but I still gave him the money and then would call him every 10 minutes to see what he was doing but he would never answer.
This in turn made me feel like he didn’t care about me and that only when he ran out of money or drugs would he care enough to pound on the door and wake up the neighbourhood until I had to let him inside, with his very sorry face.
There were so many times that he would promise and promise that he was never going to touch that stuff and that he would do something about it – go to NA / Or something and he made me believe him and if I didn’t believe him he would make me feel guilty. He would go to one NA meeting and then pretend to go to the rest but it was just an excuse to get out of the house to use more drugs.
So many times that either he would run me a bath and then sneak out while I was in the bath and had stolen my cell phone. He would disappear with stock in the car that I needed to deliver to a client the next day but he wouldn’t answer so I had to lie to the client and say my car broke down etc. He would start a fight with me just to have an excuse to leave and I would always fight him back knowing that it was just an excuse to leave. The one time I had organised my best friends baby shower and he stole my phone on the night before the baby shower and all the people trying to call to confirm directions etc couldn’t get hold of me so some people didn’t come etc so in turn I let my best friend down. This list is endless as it happened twice sometimes 3 times a week.
The amount of times I had to buy his cell phone, my cell phone, our PlayStation etc back is ridiculous but I kept buying them back. He sold my bracelet that had been passed down from my mom to me to his drug dealer and was too afraid to tell me about it that when he eventually did the dealer had already sold it and I was unable to get it back. This was very upsetting to me as there wasn’t much that I had got from my mom just a few pieces of jewellery and now it was gone. I ended up overworking and trying anything I could to cover the biils. Things got bad and I had to sell my car instead of having it re-possessed, we moved back into the cottage at his parents’ house and I was miserable.
My dad disowned me and didn’t want anything to do with me and we didn’t speak for many years because I refused to leave Jett, I refused to give up on him, he had soo much potential in him and I couldn’t let him throw it all away for a bit of powder!!! I was adamant that It was up to me to fix him, I was supposed to be his role model and if he could just see that there is a way to live without drugs that he wouldn’t need them. I took on all his responsibilities so he could be more comfortable maybe this would make him stop. I tried being nice and gentle and understanding towards his feelings, I tried being angry and cross and threatening, I tried babying him and covering for him and taking on all his responsibilities until all he had was his drugs !!! Nothing worked !! I felt helpless and I felt like a failure I didn’t know what to do.
His using friends would sympathise with him and listen to his excuses and make him feel better about himself. I wouldn’t and I was sometimes horrible to Jett when he came home or when I hauled him out of some dark pit – I would say harsh things, things I didn’t mean things like he was useless and a piece of garbage. I would be so angry when I finally found him alive or when he would finally come home. As soon as I knew he was alive all my worry and pain turned to anger and I wanted to hurt him like he had hurt me. I would look like the bad person to him and his using friends, I was the one who called the cops on them and who stormed in and bashed on their gates to ruined their fun, their escape from reality, a few times when I would catch him out somewhere after a couple of days I would physically abuse him. I thought punching him would make him change his mind about using again.
I was convinced that it was my duty to make him stop using and I tried everything expect sending him to a long term rehab program and sticking to consequences – I easily felt sorry for him and would give into him. I couldn’t send him away for 6 months because I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from him for so long. So throughout the years we tried short term programs – sent him to ARCA in Durban for the Naltrexone Tablets and Detoxification and he would come back and be using again within a couple of weeks, we tried sharp for 28 days but again he was using within a few weeks again. The financial pressure paying for the rehab programs on top of the drug use was huge and extremely tough to deal with.
We then heard of mighty wings and we started attending the program a few years back. Jett wasn’t ready to stop using drugs though and he stopped coming after about two months as after testing positive there were consequences and he didn’t want to face them, I stayed on the program until it came to having to do my step 4 and I ran away. Attending the program for those couple of months really started to help me to get on the right track and enforcing the consequences for the boundaries that I managed to put into place. I started doing things for myself and I started playing netball once a week and rekindled some of my old friendships. I started putting my daughter first and started realising that I couldn’t control him – even though I still tried to. I was in huge denial, it took me a long time on step 1 and realising what was in my control and what was not! It was not my fault that he was using drugs and it was not up to me to make the choices for him. I ran away the first time round after being too scared to do my step 4 – I am now so grateful and feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders now that I have completed it.
His mom came to me one day and begged me to do something to help him, Jett then came to me and begged me for help as well so we made a consequence that should he use again he would go to healing wings for 6 months. He ended up using again with a client two weeks later – I had already made the plans with the rehab and there was a space available for him. It took us a week to sort out finances and to get all of his stuff together – he tried and his mom tried to say one more chance and I decided to finally stick to the consequence – even though it was killing me inside – 6 months is a long time but I do not regret that decision at all!!! The program there was amazing and I have seen such an amazing growth in Jett . He then came out of healing wings in December 2013 and we got married in February 2014.
During the time that Jett was in healing wings I had become very depressed and I escaped the world by reading fantasy books and isolating myself as I was so dependent on him, my self-worth was so dependent on him and I was lost without him – my gran passed away and a month later my uncle passed away – I was under so much financial pressure as the medical aid had cancelled our membership when I applied for them to assist in paying towards the rehab, I was not paid my salary and was desperate for some financial relief so we decided to sell Jett’s car to contribute towards his rehab fee’s – Jett agreed and we sold his car to assist with the bills.
I had been attending church quite regularly prior to Jett going into healing wings – I had always had a close relationship with God until my mom passed away and I blamed him for taking her away just before I needed her – After Jett came out of rehab the first time round we started attending church on a very irregular basis and after attending mighty wings the first time around I started attending church a lot more regularly. My relationship with God was coming right. God gave me the strength and the hope and positivity I needed for the coming week. He gave me the patience and forgiveness I needed to have. So during my time escaping a verse came into my head one night as I was reading the bible – Matthew Chapter 6 Verse 33 – “ But Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well “ this played in my head for about a week and I decided to give it a try – Put god First and all things will be given to you sounds like a plan – it is in the bible so it must be true right ?? Another verse then started shouting at me Jeremiah 29:11 “ For I Know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future “ Now this is something I really need !!
The following Sunday I decided to give my life fully back to God and to commit myself to serving, I started serving at the Sunday school in my church and my life started to take shape. It didn’t happen overnight but I had a joy in my heart witnessing young lives coming to know Jesus and accepting him into their hearts – I wanted more - I had a hunger for life now and a hunger for God and I felt alive. It was amazing witnessing the testimonies of what God was doing in the lives of others and it gave me hope. Having such a close relationship with God at this stage was vital when we went to visit Jett for his weekend out of healing wings he had decided to share with me his step 4 and some of the things that he had gotten up to while in addiction that I was unaware of – If God was not my pillar at this stage I do not think that I would have been able to carry on. With God at my side I have forgiven Jett for everything he has done throughout his addiction and I love him even more today for having the courage to share those things with me.
Jett ended up relapsing in February 2014 as we didn’t follow his relapse prevention plan, we became complacent and thought the problem had sorted itself out. I had learnt the value of consequences and that one relapse can and will escalated into full blown drug use if not dealt with immediately it was either go to mighty wings or back to rehab and we decided to give mighty wings a try. We signed onto the program and Jett relapsed again a week later – this time we needed a more severe consequence – Jett I think had reached a point where he also didn’t want to disappear into the world of addiction again and he agreed to sign a court order 33. We have been on the program since February 2014 and ever since his recovery started in July 2013 with Healing Wings and throughout this year at Mighty Wings I have seen a phenomenal growth in Jett – He has grown into a man who takes his consequences and does them – I am so proud of him and so lucky to have him in my life.
Mighty Wings has helped me so much not only with all the emotions and feelings that I have experienced but also with learning how to cope and deal with everyday life in a positive manner, with raising my daughter with Love and just being joyous. The program has equipped me with skills and lessons on how to better myself and my life. I have grown so much as a person. I do still tend to struggle with co-dependency at times but I am constantly checking myself on my character assets and defects. I am so much more self-aware and I am striving to be a better person and to live a life that makes an impact for God! In my own strength I would not have been able to get to where I am today and I thank God and Mighty Wings for helping me get here.
Throughout working the program at Mighty Wings I have realised that no matter how hard I tried to get him to see that what he was doing was wrong and no matter what I did or said I could not change his mind and I could not make him stop using drugs. I realised that he would not stop unless he wanted to. I learnt that I could not take his abuse personally and I have learnt my worth. I leant that he was not choosing drugs over me, the drugs had control over him and I learnt that I am not worthless. Throughout his addiction I felt like he didn’t love me but I now know that he does. It was him that he didn’t love, he felt like he was worthless and unable to cope without the drugs because it made him feel normal. It hurt me so much when I believed that he hated me and was hurting me on purpose. But working through the program has helped me to understand a lot more and to love myself again.
This journey has not been easy and in the beginning worrying about Jett and worrying about the consequences and are they too harsh for him and after 100 days worrying about him having some financial freedom, worrying about letting go of the “control” I had was not easy but it has been so worth it. Jett is growing and has become independent and now pays towards his daughters schooling and towards the medical aid and household expenses and I am so proud of him. He has grown because he faced his consequences, If I had refused to let him suffer through that he would not be where he is today. So for those of you that are worrying about their loved ones and worried about how they are going to react to their consequences and responsibilities just remember that if they don’t have them how are they going to grow. Stick to the program and follow the steps, it may not be easy but it is definitely worth it. I now have a partner in my life by my side, who is my best friend and an amazing husband and father to our daughter. He is and will always be the love of my life and I am so proud of him and I thank the program and God for that.
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