I am a believer who struggled with drug addiction. My relationship with substances started at the age of 19yrs, I started on Mandrax, experimented with various drugs including cocaine and alcohol, and later evolved to crack cocaine. I felt torn apart inside which propelled my behaviour in seeking escape and oblivion. Namely growing up in the Apartheid era feeling inferior, that the colour of my skin meant that I was fundamentally flawed. The reassurance I needed from a father figure was tragically amiss as my dad died when I was 4yrs old. I also lacked role modelling, social skills and exposure to diverse environments but rather grew up rather naively in a protected cocoon. My ex-husband preyed on my vulnerabilities, he was a dealer and introduced me to my first drug from not even smoking cigarettes. My life took a 360degree turn from light and God to darkness and evil. After falling pregnant, I decided that I would not bring an innocent child into an environment filled with cops pointing rifles at us whilst raiding our place, which happened many times. I filed for divorce and embarked on creating a brighter future for my daughter and I, and she has not seen her dad to this day. I stopped using during my pregnancy and divorce.
The insanity of my life before recovery leaves a little to be desired. I found myself latching on to unstable, criminal, insane people. My arrogance grew as I became a jetsetter at age 23, with a promotion in my job. We became involved in governmental projects, I was flying around the world forming twin cities with mayors, meeting presidents, etc. As this disease progressed to designer drugs so did the chaos, mayhem and dysfunction. I found myself in relationships with ex Israeli intelligence, a diamond and jewellery dealer where I formed new identities according to my partners where abuse and violence reigned in my relationships. I felt like I did not deserve this gift of life. Insanely going back all the time expecting and longing for different outcomes. God had blessed me with many opportunities yet I forsake all leaving a trail of destruction and heartache. They never stopped fervently praying for me, whilst I was writing off cars, having near death experiences, suicide attempts. Using to live and living to use.
I met my current partner at a very dark time in my life (he rescued me from myself) and I conceived another daughter, Lesly Anne who was a pure miracle baby, and I believe a God sent. At the time of her conception my physical well-being was hugely compromised due to the intake of various substances. My nerve endings were literally sending electrical spasms through my body which would convulse. Estrella’s Dad saw my potential in my wrecked state and decided to invest in my recovery in order that I could clean up from being a junkie and become a mother to my daughters. This was by no means an easy journey and took several years of mayhem before there was a glimmer of light on the horizon.
My relationship with God had disappeared into a slippery black hole. I held on to pride and selfish desires, I became the law unto myself. There was no space for God In in me when I harboured resentment, hatred, fear, guilt and shame. I felt I was a hypocrite if I went to church whilst engaged in all my fleshly desires…only at a later stage was I reminded that God says “Come as u are.
I had sunk into self-pitying victim mode, blaming everyone else for my self-destructive behaviours. Drinking poison and expecting others to die. I was still riding a high horse and refused to ask for help from others. I was all superior and could fix myself, what do others know about my internal pain and suffering. I was angry at the world and no one could cross my path as I was spitting fire. A dark cloud engulfed me whilst I slivered into deep substance induced depression. I found myself kneeling in a jail cell crying to God. I had been defeated and destroyed by the drugs I thought I had control over.
I got into recovery whilst living in Cape Town where I had taken an overdose, the clinic that pumped my stomach asked a psychiatrist to see me. At his point I had not the slightest inkling about what addiction or recovery entailed. All I knew was that I could not continue living in this hell. My denial ran so deep, entrenched in my very fibre. It took many rehabs later for just the surface to be scratched at. I learned the long and hard way that recovery required a 110% genuine commitment, that there was no magic formula of going into treatment and coming out a brand new fixed person. Recovery is about internalizing and accepting who I truly am and where I had truly been, so lost, so broken in bondage and slavery to my drug.
Lesly Anne was still a baby when I had to leave her at my mom whilst I underwent this process. The one freedom I attained from writing was seeing a pattern emerge in all previous family relationships which was blame. I blamed all my wrong choices and mishaps on my childhood devoid of love and affirmation and the early death of my dad. Much later in my journey did I realise that my mom also a vital player in the conflict ridden home. These events brought to my awareness that I had been stuck in a victim mentality which contributed to me not taking any responsibility for my choices. When one is a victim a rescuer is needed, which I perpetually repeated in subsequent unhealthy abusive relationships. The more I succumbed to this pattern of relationships the more my true identity faded – the person God had purposed for me to be, was smudged and blotted in destructive soul ties.
I returned to JHB clean and sober having a platform for recovery. It was only a matter of time before my past began to haunt me again. I believe I still had not forgiven myself as well as still being contaminated with guilt and shame. Being quite a self – critical person it would take a painfully long and tedious process to get to grips with this change. It was painstakingly clear that the depression and suicidal tendencies had not dissipated and I revisited some torturous zones from the past namely Hillbrow and this time, my self -destruction got worse to the point where I was taken to court for being a danger to myself and society. It was ruled that I leave JHB for a while, but due to the anger and hurt I had bubbling inside I even wreaked havoc at the place I was shipped to. I really struggled to get to grips with the self – destructive tendencies consuming me. It was much later when I came back to JHB I was subjected to a 2 week psychiatric evaluation due to my vulnerable mental state. I was then put on mood stabilisers and other medication which eased the depression which was caused by my drug abuse. When I got to the point of no return after all the interventions as I was being written off as a total failure and oxygen thief I truly and sincerely needed God. I contacted my brother who took me in, he fasted with me for a week and took me for prayer and this is where my recovery truly began. I felt a release and a sense of inner peace and serenity engulfed me.
This is where my relationship with God proceeded to take precedence in my life and recovery. I had to start seeing myself through Gods eyes. If he loved me so much who was I to not love myself? My self-talk had to be transformed eg. I am a Victor not a victim, I am above only and not beneath, the head not the tail, the salt of the earth, a daughter of the most high. Once this process started within me I began to feel human again, I deserved to live, to be a mother, a daughter and a partner. Without loving myself I cannot love others. This was an inside job which was propelled by seeking God, asking for wisdom in every situation. The steps formed a gateway to start ridding myself of the baggage from the past. A new awareness arose, one of consciously making the right choices and decisions not living in the regrets of the past. Working through the steps gave me great insights and freedom, knowing where my defects lay and constantly praying for change. Making amends constituted a whole new level, finding people have moved on and are glad to see me healthy and whole rather than still broken my past mistakes.
Through reflection I decided to not go back into the corporate world, I realised that through many years of addiction something good and positive ought to come out of it. The enlightened have said ‘let your test become your testimony and your mess your message’.
I volunteered for a year as my way of giving back and in the process did various courses in the field of addiction. I was fortunate to find a job in the field I became so passionate about, and gave it my all. This would present another challenge but proved to be a massive learning curve. I now set out to change the world, I was going to help any poor addicted soul that would come into my radius. I decided to also start studying a degree that would empower me to empower others. I also became fully involved in church in the hospitality team and doing various proposals to open up a recovery group. So here I was superwoman trying to be a mom, excelling at studies, running a halfway house in the afternoons and working at the in-patient centre on evenings and some weekends. I don’t think it takes brain science to work out that I was heading for a fall which was inevitable.
After 4 years of recovery I lost sight of myself and crashed. Part of getting up again was understanding that I am only human, I have limitations, I cannot give what I don’t have, save the world and lose myself in the process. I had to take care of me, I was so busy running that my time with God and basic structure of recovery was crumbling. So my next growth spurt evolved. Becoming in tune with myself and the spirit within, going back to basics.
I joined Mighty wings over a year ago and have never looked back. I was aware of Celebrate Recovery previously as I once did something similar at church, but was not aware of this one. I was completely filled with awe and gratitude when I came here. I have always been involved in 12 step fellowships, which emphasise a Higher Power which can take any form. Personally I know who my Saviour is and was not comfortable sitting in some meetings where God would be mocked. The exhilaration of coming here superseded my expectations, I finally found a place where I belonged. Principle seven (from Celebrate Recovery) states – ‘Reserve daily time with God for self – examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and his will for my life and to gain the power to follow his will’, is no doubt the ultimate transformative step for me, this due to journaling. Every night I would analyse my day to see whether I was living out my recovery principles, what I needed to change and seek Gods will.
Having a reasonable structure for recovery morning meditation and surrender, evening journaling and bible reading gave me a good start.
This has become a safe place for me, I had quite a challenging past year, and I feel this program and the people here have held and contained through some very stormy and turbulent times. My relationships have become reinforced especially with my kids. There is trust once again, I have to be realistic though having 2 daughters one turning 13 and the other 21 this year is no easy road and I don’t have all the answers. But one thing is for sure that being stable, present, and solid allows me to be there for them. I am still a work in progress, trying to set and maintain boundaries, role modelling good behaviours, standards and norms, Christian ethic.
My relationship with God has become a lot deeper, I now understand the power of the word. Throughout my trying times I would confess scripture and see it materialise in my circumstances. I now value some of my struggles as I feel God is doing a refining work within me. There has never been a situation where there was no way out. God is faithful to finish what he has started in me. I have to always remind myself to stay humble and remain teachable. I live with HOPE the constant expectation of something good. My faith in God has grounded me, as I feel I deserve to reap the rewards of hard work and commitment. My loved ones who have paid a huge price also deserve to be rewarded.
I can honestly say that this program has taught me discipline, to never lose sight of the amazing blessings and rewards I get from being in recovery. To live with peace that surpasses all human understanding, no matter if the world is crumbling around me, my strength comes from within. Mighty wings has given me a new lease on life and I cannot wait to give back what has been so freely given to me.
To those still struggling, just know you are not alone. I believe God has a very special place for us in his heart and his grace and love is sufficient for us. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep my eyes focussed on him the solution and not my problems. I believe that there is healing for those who do the same.I leave you with this (Isiah 54;17 & Ps1;3) “No weapon formed against me shall prosper, for my righteousness is of the Lord. But whatsoever I do will prosper for I’m like a tree that’s planted by the rivers of water.’’
The insanity of my life before recovery leaves a little to be desired. I found myself latching on to unstable, criminal, insane people. My arrogance grew as I became a jetsetter at age 23, with a promotion in my job. We became involved in governmental projects, I was flying around the world forming twin cities with mayors, meeting presidents, etc. As this disease progressed to designer drugs so did the chaos, mayhem and dysfunction. I found myself in relationships with ex Israeli intelligence, a diamond and jewellery dealer where I formed new identities according to my partners where abuse and violence reigned in my relationships. I felt like I did not deserve this gift of life. Insanely going back all the time expecting and longing for different outcomes. God had blessed me with many opportunities yet I forsake all leaving a trail of destruction and heartache. They never stopped fervently praying for me, whilst I was writing off cars, having near death experiences, suicide attempts. Using to live and living to use.
I met my current partner at a very dark time in my life (he rescued me from myself) and I conceived another daughter, Lesly Anne who was a pure miracle baby, and I believe a God sent. At the time of her conception my physical well-being was hugely compromised due to the intake of various substances. My nerve endings were literally sending electrical spasms through my body which would convulse. Estrella’s Dad saw my potential in my wrecked state and decided to invest in my recovery in order that I could clean up from being a junkie and become a mother to my daughters. This was by no means an easy journey and took several years of mayhem before there was a glimmer of light on the horizon.
My relationship with God had disappeared into a slippery black hole. I held on to pride and selfish desires, I became the law unto myself. There was no space for God In in me when I harboured resentment, hatred, fear, guilt and shame. I felt I was a hypocrite if I went to church whilst engaged in all my fleshly desires…only at a later stage was I reminded that God says “Come as u are.
I had sunk into self-pitying victim mode, blaming everyone else for my self-destructive behaviours. Drinking poison and expecting others to die. I was still riding a high horse and refused to ask for help from others. I was all superior and could fix myself, what do others know about my internal pain and suffering. I was angry at the world and no one could cross my path as I was spitting fire. A dark cloud engulfed me whilst I slivered into deep substance induced depression. I found myself kneeling in a jail cell crying to God. I had been defeated and destroyed by the drugs I thought I had control over.
I got into recovery whilst living in Cape Town where I had taken an overdose, the clinic that pumped my stomach asked a psychiatrist to see me. At his point I had not the slightest inkling about what addiction or recovery entailed. All I knew was that I could not continue living in this hell. My denial ran so deep, entrenched in my very fibre. It took many rehabs later for just the surface to be scratched at. I learned the long and hard way that recovery required a 110% genuine commitment, that there was no magic formula of going into treatment and coming out a brand new fixed person. Recovery is about internalizing and accepting who I truly am and where I had truly been, so lost, so broken in bondage and slavery to my drug.
Lesly Anne was still a baby when I had to leave her at my mom whilst I underwent this process. The one freedom I attained from writing was seeing a pattern emerge in all previous family relationships which was blame. I blamed all my wrong choices and mishaps on my childhood devoid of love and affirmation and the early death of my dad. Much later in my journey did I realise that my mom also a vital player in the conflict ridden home. These events brought to my awareness that I had been stuck in a victim mentality which contributed to me not taking any responsibility for my choices. When one is a victim a rescuer is needed, which I perpetually repeated in subsequent unhealthy abusive relationships. The more I succumbed to this pattern of relationships the more my true identity faded – the person God had purposed for me to be, was smudged and blotted in destructive soul ties.
I returned to JHB clean and sober having a platform for recovery. It was only a matter of time before my past began to haunt me again. I believe I still had not forgiven myself as well as still being contaminated with guilt and shame. Being quite a self – critical person it would take a painfully long and tedious process to get to grips with this change. It was painstakingly clear that the depression and suicidal tendencies had not dissipated and I revisited some torturous zones from the past namely Hillbrow and this time, my self -destruction got worse to the point where I was taken to court for being a danger to myself and society. It was ruled that I leave JHB for a while, but due to the anger and hurt I had bubbling inside I even wreaked havoc at the place I was shipped to. I really struggled to get to grips with the self – destructive tendencies consuming me. It was much later when I came back to JHB I was subjected to a 2 week psychiatric evaluation due to my vulnerable mental state. I was then put on mood stabilisers and other medication which eased the depression which was caused by my drug abuse. When I got to the point of no return after all the interventions as I was being written off as a total failure and oxygen thief I truly and sincerely needed God. I contacted my brother who took me in, he fasted with me for a week and took me for prayer and this is where my recovery truly began. I felt a release and a sense of inner peace and serenity engulfed me.
This is where my relationship with God proceeded to take precedence in my life and recovery. I had to start seeing myself through Gods eyes. If he loved me so much who was I to not love myself? My self-talk had to be transformed eg. I am a Victor not a victim, I am above only and not beneath, the head not the tail, the salt of the earth, a daughter of the most high. Once this process started within me I began to feel human again, I deserved to live, to be a mother, a daughter and a partner. Without loving myself I cannot love others. This was an inside job which was propelled by seeking God, asking for wisdom in every situation. The steps formed a gateway to start ridding myself of the baggage from the past. A new awareness arose, one of consciously making the right choices and decisions not living in the regrets of the past. Working through the steps gave me great insights and freedom, knowing where my defects lay and constantly praying for change. Making amends constituted a whole new level, finding people have moved on and are glad to see me healthy and whole rather than still broken my past mistakes.
Through reflection I decided to not go back into the corporate world, I realised that through many years of addiction something good and positive ought to come out of it. The enlightened have said ‘let your test become your testimony and your mess your message’.
I volunteered for a year as my way of giving back and in the process did various courses in the field of addiction. I was fortunate to find a job in the field I became so passionate about, and gave it my all. This would present another challenge but proved to be a massive learning curve. I now set out to change the world, I was going to help any poor addicted soul that would come into my radius. I decided to also start studying a degree that would empower me to empower others. I also became fully involved in church in the hospitality team and doing various proposals to open up a recovery group. So here I was superwoman trying to be a mom, excelling at studies, running a halfway house in the afternoons and working at the in-patient centre on evenings and some weekends. I don’t think it takes brain science to work out that I was heading for a fall which was inevitable.
After 4 years of recovery I lost sight of myself and crashed. Part of getting up again was understanding that I am only human, I have limitations, I cannot give what I don’t have, save the world and lose myself in the process. I had to take care of me, I was so busy running that my time with God and basic structure of recovery was crumbling. So my next growth spurt evolved. Becoming in tune with myself and the spirit within, going back to basics.
I joined Mighty wings over a year ago and have never looked back. I was aware of Celebrate Recovery previously as I once did something similar at church, but was not aware of this one. I was completely filled with awe and gratitude when I came here. I have always been involved in 12 step fellowships, which emphasise a Higher Power which can take any form. Personally I know who my Saviour is and was not comfortable sitting in some meetings where God would be mocked. The exhilaration of coming here superseded my expectations, I finally found a place where I belonged. Principle seven (from Celebrate Recovery) states – ‘Reserve daily time with God for self – examination, Bible reading, and prayer in order to know God and his will for my life and to gain the power to follow his will’, is no doubt the ultimate transformative step for me, this due to journaling. Every night I would analyse my day to see whether I was living out my recovery principles, what I needed to change and seek Gods will.
Having a reasonable structure for recovery morning meditation and surrender, evening journaling and bible reading gave me a good start.
This has become a safe place for me, I had quite a challenging past year, and I feel this program and the people here have held and contained through some very stormy and turbulent times. My relationships have become reinforced especially with my kids. There is trust once again, I have to be realistic though having 2 daughters one turning 13 and the other 21 this year is no easy road and I don’t have all the answers. But one thing is for sure that being stable, present, and solid allows me to be there for them. I am still a work in progress, trying to set and maintain boundaries, role modelling good behaviours, standards and norms, Christian ethic.
My relationship with God has become a lot deeper, I now understand the power of the word. Throughout my trying times I would confess scripture and see it materialise in my circumstances. I now value some of my struggles as I feel God is doing a refining work within me. There has never been a situation where there was no way out. God is faithful to finish what he has started in me. I have to always remind myself to stay humble and remain teachable. I live with HOPE the constant expectation of something good. My faith in God has grounded me, as I feel I deserve to reap the rewards of hard work and commitment. My loved ones who have paid a huge price also deserve to be rewarded.
I can honestly say that this program has taught me discipline, to never lose sight of the amazing blessings and rewards I get from being in recovery. To live with peace that surpasses all human understanding, no matter if the world is crumbling around me, my strength comes from within. Mighty wings has given me a new lease on life and I cannot wait to give back what has been so freely given to me.
To those still struggling, just know you are not alone. I believe God has a very special place for us in his heart and his grace and love is sufficient for us. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep my eyes focussed on him the solution and not my problems. I believe that there is healing for those who do the same.I leave you with this (Isiah 54;17 & Ps1;3) “No weapon formed against me shall prosper, for my righteousness is of the Lord. But whatsoever I do will prosper for I’m like a tree that’s planted by the rivers of water.’’