I am a believer who struggles with co-dependency. Growing up as the “hero child” of an alcoholic father rescuing and fixing the family was what I did best. Growing up in a family with emotionally distant parents I adopted the role as the responsible child to cope with the tension and stress. When I was 10, my father suffered a severe brain haemorrhage because of drinking and was never the same again. My childhood was soon taken away as I assumed a role I wasn’t supposed to be in. Because of an innate fear of rejection I told myself that if I didn’t step up, I would not be loved. I tackled problems and challenges beyond my level of maturity or skill set. I worked from the age of 14 years to put food on the table for my family. I learnt to control outcomes and situations. My self-worth was founded in achievements and finding comfort in being the best.
The insanity of my life before my recovery was entrenched in this co-dependency. After being single for 5 years by choice, I met the man of my dreams. 6 months into our marriage, my husband chose addiction, staying out late, going to wild parties and when we were together he was intoxicated, unable to engage with me and arranging his next fix. My dream soon turned into a nightmare. I felt alone, entrapped in fear and felt like there was no way out.I soldiered on and convinced myself that I was to blame for his addiction, I believed that I needed to love him more, do more things for him, agree with him, keep the peace, lie to family to cover up hurts. As my husband’s addiction grew (what felt like by the hour), he became more aggressive, rude and even abusive. He wasn’t the man I married, unrecognisable and unlovable. I was an emotional wreck hanging on by a thread. At this point I struggled to trust God. I was trapped in my own pride of “I’ve got this and yet my problems overwhelmed me. My prayers were filled with tears and I cried to God saying the same thing over and over again…”God help me…please”.
I was entrapped in shame, and intense feelings of inadequacy. In front of others I felt exposed and humiliated as if they could see my flaws. Soon I was withdrawn from everyone, disconnected and found peace in a separation from others. It was easier this way, less people to lie to, less revving myself up to pretend that everything was fine. I lost friendships and family relationships were hard.
My rock bottom was when I had nothing left inside of me, no physical energy to fight, no emotional capacity to think and when I looked at myself in the mirror and couldn’t recognise who I was anymore, I realised I needed help. I realised that I was worth more than being lied to, taken advantage of, and abused. I decided to get a protection order against my husband and although it was hard and came with much discomfort, I felt a deep sense of freedom when I decided to move out.
A colleague told me about Mighty Wings and the dynamic recovery program for supporters. Coming to Mighty Wings was my saving grace, God’s plan for me!
My mantra for 2015 was #Godshowsup! At the brink of a crushed marriage, a devastating emotional break down – God provided a way out for me. Psalm 40:2defines how I see my own co-dependency and how God through His mercy lavished His love on me. It says, “He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand”. In the mist of despair there was implicit hope, in the face of suffering there was true redemption and I wanted it. For the first time I began to understand the meaning of the cross in my life. Until I admitted my need for help and my brokenness, God could not work in my life. The programs at Mighty Wings gave me the tools to see the real me.
So I decided to give myself fully to the program and welcome the pain and suffering that goes along with change. The two programs that impacted me the most and assisted me to change were the series on Boundaries and the Celebrate Recovery Step Program.
In the series on Boundaries, I learnt that I have the right to choose. I learnt that I had the right to choose love over abuse, protection over fear and joy over destruction. I learnt that ‘No’ is not a swear word and that I don’t have to allow the reactions of others to control my thoughts or behaviours. Finally, I have learnt a tool that teaches me to love me first and out of self-love I am able to love others. Learning that I’m not responsible for anyone but only to others chipped away at my co-dependency and I no longer saw the need to enable but began to understand that everyone was on their own journey and my role is to journey with them not for them. Every time I feel myself getting pulled into other people’s nonsense, I can now confidently say and think – “Not my circus, not my monkeys”!
The Celebrate Recovery 12 Step Program helped me to be honest with myself and face the world of denial I have built up. Denying that my husband was an addict, not getting help and pretending everything was fine was finally over. Admitting that my life has become unmanageable and realising that in all of this I played God. Dealing with the pride in my heart and accepting the grace and mercy from God, helped me see how powerless I am in trying to control my husband’s addiction. Eventually I could stop denying the pain and be open about how hard his addiction was and how it devastated my life and the role I played in supporting his addiction. God now defined me and God was all I ever needed. In my marriage I blamed myself for my husband’s addiction, I had a flood of “If only’s” i.e. if only I gave him all the money he wanted, if only I was more loving, less confrontational; if only I was more this or that…he would stop. I soon realised that my husband’s choice to live a life of addiction was exactly that – HIS CHOICE and nothing I said or did would change him. The Step program helped me to let go of self-blame. The Step program helped me grow in my faith and voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life. Because recovery is a process, I consider myself a recovering co-dependent and every day, one day at a time, one situation at a time – I choose change!
God has helped me make dynamic changes in my relationship with my husband - a complete 180 degree change. I am now able to communicate my fears, anxieties and expectations without venting, screaming and shouting. I appreciate how the tables have turned in my marriage. I no longer take full responsibility for the finances, organising date nights or making all the decisions, my husband has embraced his role as the head of our household and now shares these responsibilities with me. I now feel safe and protected. I believe God has helped us restore our relationship. The scripture that comes to mind when I think of my relationship with my husband is the one in 2 Corinthians 5:17-18, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation – the old has gone”. In Him we have a new relationship.
I’m grateful that I am able to change, through the Mighty Wings program and God’s amazing grace I am no longer a weak willed woman, I am secure in who I am because my identify is not in how people view or love me but in how God defines me i.e. “fearfully and wonderfully made”. As I set healthy internal boundaries, I am growing in self-care andself-awareness. I have mentally and sometimes physically detached myself from being the “hero child”. I initially thought of detachment as absurd, “I mean who will take care of my addict or my overly needy parents? Now I live by the truth that I am not responsible for the choices of others. Through prayer and counsel I refuse to fall into a relapse of worry, resentment, bitterness and self-pity.
My walk with God has changed me. My prayer life is more than just “God help me” like in our times of addiction, but I can talk to God throughout the day.I can pray together with my husband and share spiritual dreams with him – God has refreshed my spirit.
Benefits from working the program include meeting amazing people that have inspired me through their own adversity. Knowing that I am not alone and that co-dependency and addiction is not prejudice to race, gender or age was moving. When I decided to give myself to the program I grew, my thinking changed and I have a toolbox to help me engage with others in a meaningful way. Doing the homework helped me internalise the concepts of recovery and how to be a good support to my husband. The program has helped me to make healthy life style choices in order to make my home a recovery friendly space for growth with zero tolerance for drugs and alcohol.
My encouragement to a newcomer is simple i.e. give yourself fully to the program and the principles of recovery at Mighty Wings. In the beginning it will be overwhelming, as a supporter you will feel weak and broken and do not allow your emotional state at the time to determine your commitment to yourself. The supporters program is a gift from God, an anchor when your world is on the brink of falling apart. Whatever financial, time or emotional commitment you need to make - JUST DO IT! A year ago when I looked in that mirror I saw an unrecognisable image of hurt, self-blame and shame, I now see a forgiven, loved and perfectly created being. The program will work for you, if you work the program.
The insanity of my life before my recovery was entrenched in this co-dependency. After being single for 5 years by choice, I met the man of my dreams. 6 months into our marriage, my husband chose addiction, staying out late, going to wild parties and when we were together he was intoxicated, unable to engage with me and arranging his next fix. My dream soon turned into a nightmare. I felt alone, entrapped in fear and felt like there was no way out.I soldiered on and convinced myself that I was to blame for his addiction, I believed that I needed to love him more, do more things for him, agree with him, keep the peace, lie to family to cover up hurts. As my husband’s addiction grew (what felt like by the hour), he became more aggressive, rude and even abusive. He wasn’t the man I married, unrecognisable and unlovable. I was an emotional wreck hanging on by a thread. At this point I struggled to trust God. I was trapped in my own pride of “I’ve got this and yet my problems overwhelmed me. My prayers were filled with tears and I cried to God saying the same thing over and over again…”God help me…please”.
I was entrapped in shame, and intense feelings of inadequacy. In front of others I felt exposed and humiliated as if they could see my flaws. Soon I was withdrawn from everyone, disconnected and found peace in a separation from others. It was easier this way, less people to lie to, less revving myself up to pretend that everything was fine. I lost friendships and family relationships were hard.
My rock bottom was when I had nothing left inside of me, no physical energy to fight, no emotional capacity to think and when I looked at myself in the mirror and couldn’t recognise who I was anymore, I realised I needed help. I realised that I was worth more than being lied to, taken advantage of, and abused. I decided to get a protection order against my husband and although it was hard and came with much discomfort, I felt a deep sense of freedom when I decided to move out.
A colleague told me about Mighty Wings and the dynamic recovery program for supporters. Coming to Mighty Wings was my saving grace, God’s plan for me!
My mantra for 2015 was #Godshowsup! At the brink of a crushed marriage, a devastating emotional break down – God provided a way out for me. Psalm 40:2defines how I see my own co-dependency and how God through His mercy lavished His love on me. It says, “He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand”. In the mist of despair there was implicit hope, in the face of suffering there was true redemption and I wanted it. For the first time I began to understand the meaning of the cross in my life. Until I admitted my need for help and my brokenness, God could not work in my life. The programs at Mighty Wings gave me the tools to see the real me.
So I decided to give myself fully to the program and welcome the pain and suffering that goes along with change. The two programs that impacted me the most and assisted me to change were the series on Boundaries and the Celebrate Recovery Step Program.
In the series on Boundaries, I learnt that I have the right to choose. I learnt that I had the right to choose love over abuse, protection over fear and joy over destruction. I learnt that ‘No’ is not a swear word and that I don’t have to allow the reactions of others to control my thoughts or behaviours. Finally, I have learnt a tool that teaches me to love me first and out of self-love I am able to love others. Learning that I’m not responsible for anyone but only to others chipped away at my co-dependency and I no longer saw the need to enable but began to understand that everyone was on their own journey and my role is to journey with them not for them. Every time I feel myself getting pulled into other people’s nonsense, I can now confidently say and think – “Not my circus, not my monkeys”!
The Celebrate Recovery 12 Step Program helped me to be honest with myself and face the world of denial I have built up. Denying that my husband was an addict, not getting help and pretending everything was fine was finally over. Admitting that my life has become unmanageable and realising that in all of this I played God. Dealing with the pride in my heart and accepting the grace and mercy from God, helped me see how powerless I am in trying to control my husband’s addiction. Eventually I could stop denying the pain and be open about how hard his addiction was and how it devastated my life and the role I played in supporting his addiction. God now defined me and God was all I ever needed. In my marriage I blamed myself for my husband’s addiction, I had a flood of “If only’s” i.e. if only I gave him all the money he wanted, if only I was more loving, less confrontational; if only I was more this or that…he would stop. I soon realised that my husband’s choice to live a life of addiction was exactly that – HIS CHOICE and nothing I said or did would change him. The Step program helped me to let go of self-blame. The Step program helped me grow in my faith and voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life. Because recovery is a process, I consider myself a recovering co-dependent and every day, one day at a time, one situation at a time – I choose change!
God has helped me make dynamic changes in my relationship with my husband - a complete 180 degree change. I am now able to communicate my fears, anxieties and expectations without venting, screaming and shouting. I appreciate how the tables have turned in my marriage. I no longer take full responsibility for the finances, organising date nights or making all the decisions, my husband has embraced his role as the head of our household and now shares these responsibilities with me. I now feel safe and protected. I believe God has helped us restore our relationship. The scripture that comes to mind when I think of my relationship with my husband is the one in 2 Corinthians 5:17-18, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation – the old has gone”. In Him we have a new relationship.
I’m grateful that I am able to change, through the Mighty Wings program and God’s amazing grace I am no longer a weak willed woman, I am secure in who I am because my identify is not in how people view or love me but in how God defines me i.e. “fearfully and wonderfully made”. As I set healthy internal boundaries, I am growing in self-care andself-awareness. I have mentally and sometimes physically detached myself from being the “hero child”. I initially thought of detachment as absurd, “I mean who will take care of my addict or my overly needy parents? Now I live by the truth that I am not responsible for the choices of others. Through prayer and counsel I refuse to fall into a relapse of worry, resentment, bitterness and self-pity.
My walk with God has changed me. My prayer life is more than just “God help me” like in our times of addiction, but I can talk to God throughout the day.I can pray together with my husband and share spiritual dreams with him – God has refreshed my spirit.
Benefits from working the program include meeting amazing people that have inspired me through their own adversity. Knowing that I am not alone and that co-dependency and addiction is not prejudice to race, gender or age was moving. When I decided to give myself to the program I grew, my thinking changed and I have a toolbox to help me engage with others in a meaningful way. Doing the homework helped me internalise the concepts of recovery and how to be a good support to my husband. The program has helped me to make healthy life style choices in order to make my home a recovery friendly space for growth with zero tolerance for drugs and alcohol.
My encouragement to a newcomer is simple i.e. give yourself fully to the program and the principles of recovery at Mighty Wings. In the beginning it will be overwhelming, as a supporter you will feel weak and broken and do not allow your emotional state at the time to determine your commitment to yourself. The supporters program is a gift from God, an anchor when your world is on the brink of falling apart. Whatever financial, time or emotional commitment you need to make - JUST DO IT! A year ago when I looked in that mirror I saw an unrecognisable image of hurt, self-blame and shame, I now see a forgiven, loved and perfectly created being. The program will work for you, if you work the program.