Hi, my name is Christopher Metcalf and I am a recovering addict who struggled with drug addiction. I started off experimenting with alcohol and marijuana from about age 15. My addiction was in full force by age 16, smoking every day before and after school, amidst the drunken escapades of flaunting the aggressive expression of my broken self. This new lifestyle seemed to fit quite perfectly into my agenda though, gaining attention from all the people I had on a pedestal. As a child from a broken home, living between families every 2 to 3 years, having a very low sense of self, I would aim to redefine myself each time I moved to a new school. The aim, to be popular, get the girl and feel like I have some level of importance. After my father got remarried, and me feeling like I was no longer part of any family, feeling like I don’t actually belong anywhere, it was time to up the stakes! I became intensely defiant and rebellious and in this mind-set, when I came across the drugs, it felt wrong at first, but the promise it held of fun, attention and status was exactly what I wanted. I changed my identity a few times in those years, unconfirmed to anything, except defiance.
My behavior during this time just went from worse to impressively shocking! I was arrested a few times, got expelled and ran away. I wasn’t very liked by my teachers as at school I was told I was like the weeds that grow between the bricks, the kind of stuff you just don’t want, but can’t get rid of.
Throughout this time there was massively intense fights at home. After Matric, all I wanted was out. So I opted for a working holiday in the UK and this is where thing got really bad. I met a friend who would be my brother in arms in big way! It was here that I started escalating in my addiction, after years of devotion to only ever smoke weed for the rest of my life! It started off with pills and after making friends with all the dealers in the town and joining the team, things moved to the powders very quickly! We thought we were untouchable, calling ourselves the SA mafia operating deep in the underground world!
The police constantly watching us and looking for reasons to arrest! I felt so powerful at that time, every narrow escape and hap hazard connection to a party or new operation felt like providence. The self-proclaimed chosen ones, ministering to people about God, faith and delving into the cosmic discussions of purpose and liberation, as if we were leaders of a new world, while being completely high! I was intensely delusional at the time, there actually was a constant compelling conviction in the bottom of my soul throughout this time, but acknowledging it represented fear so crippling it would corrode the very fabric of my soul, which it slowly did, no matter how hard I tried to drown it out, with the convincing self-argument that I was a pivotal soldier in Gods army, against the darkness of this world.
All I wanted was to be rid of the definitions of myself that I accrued over my life, of failure, nothing, obsolete, not worth it, broken and a burden not bargained for. My defiance that I showed towards the people I loved, now seemed to be my only means of defense against myself too. Eventually things led to fraudulent activities and harder drugs. Living amongst the ex-cons, and criminals of the town, addicted to smoking heroin and crack and all the weed I could find. I was lost, arrogant, desperate, paranoid and constantly afraid. By the grace of God, I didn’t spend too many nights on the street and would get a meal each day by some eventful means. I got fired from a few jobs during that time and managed to rack up a pretty terrible reputation in the town, losing friends and hated by many more, yet still I forced myself to believe I was on the top of the world.
The satisfaction I felt in the belief that I was free, slowly faded away as I began to lose myself, to depression, to paranoia and the dilutions of feeling like hell and all its forces were out to get me. By God’s grace alone I made it out of England and came back home to SA. Things changed a bit for the next two years, being petrified of what I became, I vowed that I would never be a drug addict of that proportion again. My relationship with God started growing over the next couple years and I even did my confirmation at Church, but still didn’t really make any connection or relationship. Although I did manage to stay off the hard tack for about a year and half, I never did stop smoking weed and drinking. Inevitably I did get out of hand a few times, ending up hurting and disappointing my girlfriend at the time a lot! But somehow I always found a way to blame her for the way I behaved. I thought she was the one that needed me, she was blessed to have me. Well after a while she didn’t believe my nonsense anymore and she left. This fantasy I had of me and her was now completely shattered, and along with came down every illusion of happiness I had built up in that time.
I spent many months on end being very depressed and permanently stoned after that. Till one day along came a new friend, courage’s, charismatic and seemingly unafraid to be himself. Through this friendship I slowly but surely got back into the powders again, which escalated very quickly. There are so many horror stories I could tell you of that time but I’ll skip towards the end or rather should I say the bottom. I had gotten into a new relationship, with the same old fantasies, using a lot more drugs, together with her and a lot more crazy! One of the more shameful nights of my life was when I came home to my pregnant girlfriend, completely smashed and got into a very heated argument! Some more haunting memories were made that night, seeing my girlfriend holding a knife to her pregnant belly threatening to kill herself and our child, then me trying to escape the madness by jumping off the second story balcony. When she wouldn’t let me I slammed her into the couch, dislocating her arm. No matter how out of it I was that night, I couldn’t escape the tremendous feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment, being horrified once again, with who I had become.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake the drugs. It was three months after my child was born that my mother would no longer stand idly by, watching me turn to death before her, risking now also the life of her grandchild.
It was some idle Friday where I had planned a sick day to use again, with the great excuse of having an abyss on my neck. My mother opted to take me to the doctor. But this was a new doctor she said, oh and by the way she just wants to stop at the church quickly because there are some people there who she would like me to just talk to, maybe they could help. So I decided to humor her, id duped many more before and figured this would be the same, get it done then carrying on with my own plans. So while meeting with these people, telling them just enough to not sound like a blatant liar, like sure I use but its more recreational and I’m fine really. They failed to mention this before, but there was actually a police officer sitting there with us while I was exposing, what seemed now to be a little tooo much. They tested me after that and I got the high score, a five panel test and I was positive across the board.
It was here everything changed, the 17th of September 2010. I was arrested and sent to the holding cells in Boksburg for the weekend with a court case on Monday. That weekend was once of the more frightening times of my life, a place I never, ever want to go back to, and man I was angry with my mom about this. Anyhow it was all planned, during court I was diverted to an inpatient rehab for the term of 1 year, and that was that, say goodbye to family and baby, straight off to the hab. I arrived here that Monday in a hopeless state, looking proper haggard, and apparently smelling so bad that Jodi told me he had to chew the air before taking it in. As much as I hated the fact that I was tricked into this place, forced to be away from my child and family, I couldn’t help shake the feeling I had, that perhaps this was the answer to my prayers, the same prayer I had said many, many times, rolling around in anxious agony, frustrated and hating myself. God take me away, get me out of my life, this web of lies and overwhelming responsibilities, all I needed was like a year, a year out in the mountains, away from it all, from everyone, from everything, I just need some time to get my act together and built myself to be convincingly confidant and free again!
God had answered my prayers, but not on my terms, on his. Within the confines of healing wings, I slowly and painfully unravelled. There wasn’t much left of me but desperation, insecurities, fear and brokenness. I recall the first few nights, not knowing anybody, crying for my family and from what I had done. My nose constantly dripping every morning during quite time in the sun for 6 months. Writing my journal with “hidden” messages of how I think I should be helped in my recovery, like they should be focusing on that, also detailing my days in such a way so that the Councillors would see that I wasn’t actually such a bad guy, I actually know what’s potting here and I’m on their side, not realizing that I was really trying to convince myself. The Sheema(Millie PAP), the millions of tiny weeds in the lands that just kept sprouting, day after day. Feeling like a raw and exposed humpty dumpty on the floor, after a life story. That moment during a step 4 when I realised that according to my own standards which demanded resentment, hatred and anger towards people, now seeing what I had done, I was far worse than any of those Id judged. kneeling broken on the floor in absolute tears after a re-enactment session that took me straight back to my deepest hurt, one id been running from all my life!
Experiencing the sensation of overlooking the vally from humble hill, the feeling of being so alive while hiking through the woods and mountains around us. That awkward sensation of freedom when being around those who actually knew, me, the rawest and ugliest parts of me. Being loved for who I am, not for the displays of what I could do. That life changing moment when I no longer felt the need to depend on the fleeting candle lit image I had of myself, but being able to be brave enough, to step outside, beneath light of the SON, the king of kings and lord of lords. The incredibly liberating paradox of being completely powerless but having peace and an exhilarated hope when, calling on every member to support me in prayer for the life of my daughter and family.
It was here that I learned to stand not on my lies, but rather on the truth, that I was not given a spirit of fear and timidity, but one of power love and a sound mind! That I could fight from the standpoint of victory, knowing that the battle had already been won. That no power in all creation could separate me from the love of God, for greater is he that is in me, than he that is in the world. That in my weakness his strength is made perfect. To be strong in the Lord and the power of his might, to walk in Grace with blessings and faith. That Jesus loved me, before I knew him and has given his life to save ME, to set me free, to give me hope and future!
The garden of my recovery was sown in the fields of hardship, watered with the tears that come from facing fears, and grown in the light of love through the season of grace. I can tell you this, I could not have done this alone. Every person, every event, whether I saw it to be good or bad, served a purpose in some way to help me grow. It was a long and weary walk that demanded constant commitment in a walk of endurance. Just when I thought I had it figured out, the next thing came along, with each new level came another devil. After about 9 months of these ups and downs I realized that, how I felt, did not hold much authenticity towards being legitimate evidence, that I can sustain this recovery for life. Around 11 months, the end of my term nearing, now knowing enough to realize that I don’t actually know that much, I wasn’t sure if I’d gotten far enough. I didn’t want to be a casualty of my own insanity again, I needed to make a choice but couldn’t trust myself. After much prayer and counsel, it was these words that cleared out my clouded vision. Don’t leave until I got what I came here for. It was strange hearing this as at first I thought I was here to deal with my addiction, but addiction was never the problem, it was the symptom, I was the problem and although I didn’t know definitively what it was that I came here for, that uneasy emptiness which had been my companion for so long, although much lighter, the fact that it was still there meant I hadn’t found it yet. It was tough, given that I was missing so many of my daughter’s firsts, crawling, sitting, her first steps, her first tooth and words, also everyday was a risk that my ex would go claim for full custody in my absence.
The truth still remained if these concerns really meant something I needed to make my recovery have a chance at lasting for life, so even though my family wasn’t very keen on it, I stayed on for some extra time. It was after a total of 14 months that my day came, my day to step into the world and clean the mess I made, to be a man and take on the responsibility of being a father. Feeling like Id accomplished so much, that I had, by enduring my time here at least made some level of amends with my family. Like they would be proud and supportive and encouraging and have my back all the way! Well they were happy, they were supportive but while I was on my “holiday” as they saw it, they had to clean up so much of the mess I made, they had to deal with the consequences of so many of my bad choices. They had to take care of my child and sacrifice so many of their plans to financially support me being here. To say it was tough was an understatement! I may have changed in so many drastic ways during my time, but the life I left behind, was still pretty much the same, in some areas festering from my absence. It was a harsh realization to recognize that it was now, that recovery actually began. It’s one thing to make a change, it’s a whole other thing to BE that change in the face of adversity and resistance with temptations on display, everywhere! It was through the support of Mighty Wings and hope in the Lord that I have been able to maintain and keep growing in my recovery. When the overwhelming feelings came shortly after leaving healing wings, that feeling that had me wondering how am I going to do this, there is no way I can put this back together, I’m doomed there is no hope. It was my relationship with the Lord that kept me going, and being in the company of so many like-minded at Mighty wings that kept me from straying.
There are so many incredible things that have happened as a result of my recovery but ill share with you just a few, the rest is for you to discover, should you affords yourself the opportunity to do so.
That fear I had of losing my daughter, she has been living with me for the past three years, I’m raising her as a single father with the support of a very loving family. It is the most incredible blessing that has me on my toes every day. The love I have for her is unlike I have ever experienced before
My sisters who once looked up to me in a big way, who during my addiction became a distant relationship as I couldn’t face them in my shame, now once again loved me have become a massive part of life in a good way. I once thought the way I was, was normal, until I got the chance to see them grow up through sober eyes! They are such incredible girls who bless me probably more than I them!
My moms and I after all the drama, anger and disappointment I had caused, she is now super proud of me, and are now closer than ever. She is a massive support for me and cares for me in way that I can’t even understand at times but our relationship is a blessing only God can provide!
My father who I hurt more than any other, who had practically disowned me, he loves me again tremendously. I have my father back, he gave me an opportunity to work in his company as a project manager and is extremely proud of me. So much in fact that in this week I have been given an offer to work in Australia with a huge increase. Quite a contrast from being two steps from being fired from my step Dads company when I was in addiction.
I’ve experienced dreams come true by performing my own songs both here and at Mighty Wings.
From being broken and insecure and a shadow of a man. I’m now a member of the leading edge at might wings, something far beyond what I could have comprehended. I remember back in the day, when I was asked what I wanted to do, to give back. My aspiration was to just operate the mixing desk during praise and worship, now running groups and leading the members, with sometimes fierce encouragement.
From being completely lost, broken and confused. I have come to know and have courage enough to be more myself that I had ever imagined. From being completely confused about God having the idea of him conformed to what fitted into my wants, to knowing him, in truth, in love, to be dependent on him loved and cared for.
Ultimately everything I have to show for my life which is good was a gift from God. As his promise says, He makes all things work towards the good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose!
To you who walk this road now I have this poem which I wrote shortly after leaving Healing Wings.
A house vs a Home
The simple plan, of a broken man, is to get back up, with a helping hand
standing now, he makes a vow, to be renewed, but knows not how
The book of life, has given him sight, to face the past, and win the fight
conquering the giants, in willful defiance, but a heart is amiss, in mindful reliance,
things looked good, from where he stood, haunted not, so move he should
though not inspired , he is quickly tired, grateful yes, but more is required
through all the tears, and realized fears, the reason was lost, in youthful years
the horizon instilled, some hopeful thrills, but returning to innocence, is how it is filled
he needed to believe, before he could leave, that love was a source, and not perceived
no longer a slave, but still in a cage, that kid was right, but died with age
to feel again, in pleasure and pain, was the missing link, from which he refrained
now the simple man, with his broken plan, needs a miracle, from his father’s hand
Trust in God, and let him guide you! We are called to be obedient, not necessarily to understand.
My behavior during this time just went from worse to impressively shocking! I was arrested a few times, got expelled and ran away. I wasn’t very liked by my teachers as at school I was told I was like the weeds that grow between the bricks, the kind of stuff you just don’t want, but can’t get rid of.
Throughout this time there was massively intense fights at home. After Matric, all I wanted was out. So I opted for a working holiday in the UK and this is where thing got really bad. I met a friend who would be my brother in arms in big way! It was here that I started escalating in my addiction, after years of devotion to only ever smoke weed for the rest of my life! It started off with pills and after making friends with all the dealers in the town and joining the team, things moved to the powders very quickly! We thought we were untouchable, calling ourselves the SA mafia operating deep in the underground world!
The police constantly watching us and looking for reasons to arrest! I felt so powerful at that time, every narrow escape and hap hazard connection to a party or new operation felt like providence. The self-proclaimed chosen ones, ministering to people about God, faith and delving into the cosmic discussions of purpose and liberation, as if we were leaders of a new world, while being completely high! I was intensely delusional at the time, there actually was a constant compelling conviction in the bottom of my soul throughout this time, but acknowledging it represented fear so crippling it would corrode the very fabric of my soul, which it slowly did, no matter how hard I tried to drown it out, with the convincing self-argument that I was a pivotal soldier in Gods army, against the darkness of this world.
All I wanted was to be rid of the definitions of myself that I accrued over my life, of failure, nothing, obsolete, not worth it, broken and a burden not bargained for. My defiance that I showed towards the people I loved, now seemed to be my only means of defense against myself too. Eventually things led to fraudulent activities and harder drugs. Living amongst the ex-cons, and criminals of the town, addicted to smoking heroin and crack and all the weed I could find. I was lost, arrogant, desperate, paranoid and constantly afraid. By the grace of God, I didn’t spend too many nights on the street and would get a meal each day by some eventful means. I got fired from a few jobs during that time and managed to rack up a pretty terrible reputation in the town, losing friends and hated by many more, yet still I forced myself to believe I was on the top of the world.
The satisfaction I felt in the belief that I was free, slowly faded away as I began to lose myself, to depression, to paranoia and the dilutions of feeling like hell and all its forces were out to get me. By God’s grace alone I made it out of England and came back home to SA. Things changed a bit for the next two years, being petrified of what I became, I vowed that I would never be a drug addict of that proportion again. My relationship with God started growing over the next couple years and I even did my confirmation at Church, but still didn’t really make any connection or relationship. Although I did manage to stay off the hard tack for about a year and half, I never did stop smoking weed and drinking. Inevitably I did get out of hand a few times, ending up hurting and disappointing my girlfriend at the time a lot! But somehow I always found a way to blame her for the way I behaved. I thought she was the one that needed me, she was blessed to have me. Well after a while she didn’t believe my nonsense anymore and she left. This fantasy I had of me and her was now completely shattered, and along with came down every illusion of happiness I had built up in that time.
I spent many months on end being very depressed and permanently stoned after that. Till one day along came a new friend, courage’s, charismatic and seemingly unafraid to be himself. Through this friendship I slowly but surely got back into the powders again, which escalated very quickly. There are so many horror stories I could tell you of that time but I’ll skip towards the end or rather should I say the bottom. I had gotten into a new relationship, with the same old fantasies, using a lot more drugs, together with her and a lot more crazy! One of the more shameful nights of my life was when I came home to my pregnant girlfriend, completely smashed and got into a very heated argument! Some more haunting memories were made that night, seeing my girlfriend holding a knife to her pregnant belly threatening to kill herself and our child, then me trying to escape the madness by jumping off the second story balcony. When she wouldn’t let me I slammed her into the couch, dislocating her arm. No matter how out of it I was that night, I couldn’t escape the tremendous feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment, being horrified once again, with who I had become.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake the drugs. It was three months after my child was born that my mother would no longer stand idly by, watching me turn to death before her, risking now also the life of her grandchild.
It was some idle Friday where I had planned a sick day to use again, with the great excuse of having an abyss on my neck. My mother opted to take me to the doctor. But this was a new doctor she said, oh and by the way she just wants to stop at the church quickly because there are some people there who she would like me to just talk to, maybe they could help. So I decided to humor her, id duped many more before and figured this would be the same, get it done then carrying on with my own plans. So while meeting with these people, telling them just enough to not sound like a blatant liar, like sure I use but its more recreational and I’m fine really. They failed to mention this before, but there was actually a police officer sitting there with us while I was exposing, what seemed now to be a little tooo much. They tested me after that and I got the high score, a five panel test and I was positive across the board.
It was here everything changed, the 17th of September 2010. I was arrested and sent to the holding cells in Boksburg for the weekend with a court case on Monday. That weekend was once of the more frightening times of my life, a place I never, ever want to go back to, and man I was angry with my mom about this. Anyhow it was all planned, during court I was diverted to an inpatient rehab for the term of 1 year, and that was that, say goodbye to family and baby, straight off to the hab. I arrived here that Monday in a hopeless state, looking proper haggard, and apparently smelling so bad that Jodi told me he had to chew the air before taking it in. As much as I hated the fact that I was tricked into this place, forced to be away from my child and family, I couldn’t help shake the feeling I had, that perhaps this was the answer to my prayers, the same prayer I had said many, many times, rolling around in anxious agony, frustrated and hating myself. God take me away, get me out of my life, this web of lies and overwhelming responsibilities, all I needed was like a year, a year out in the mountains, away from it all, from everyone, from everything, I just need some time to get my act together and built myself to be convincingly confidant and free again!
God had answered my prayers, but not on my terms, on his. Within the confines of healing wings, I slowly and painfully unravelled. There wasn’t much left of me but desperation, insecurities, fear and brokenness. I recall the first few nights, not knowing anybody, crying for my family and from what I had done. My nose constantly dripping every morning during quite time in the sun for 6 months. Writing my journal with “hidden” messages of how I think I should be helped in my recovery, like they should be focusing on that, also detailing my days in such a way so that the Councillors would see that I wasn’t actually such a bad guy, I actually know what’s potting here and I’m on their side, not realizing that I was really trying to convince myself. The Sheema(Millie PAP), the millions of tiny weeds in the lands that just kept sprouting, day after day. Feeling like a raw and exposed humpty dumpty on the floor, after a life story. That moment during a step 4 when I realised that according to my own standards which demanded resentment, hatred and anger towards people, now seeing what I had done, I was far worse than any of those Id judged. kneeling broken on the floor in absolute tears after a re-enactment session that took me straight back to my deepest hurt, one id been running from all my life!
Experiencing the sensation of overlooking the vally from humble hill, the feeling of being so alive while hiking through the woods and mountains around us. That awkward sensation of freedom when being around those who actually knew, me, the rawest and ugliest parts of me. Being loved for who I am, not for the displays of what I could do. That life changing moment when I no longer felt the need to depend on the fleeting candle lit image I had of myself, but being able to be brave enough, to step outside, beneath light of the SON, the king of kings and lord of lords. The incredibly liberating paradox of being completely powerless but having peace and an exhilarated hope when, calling on every member to support me in prayer for the life of my daughter and family.
It was here that I learned to stand not on my lies, but rather on the truth, that I was not given a spirit of fear and timidity, but one of power love and a sound mind! That I could fight from the standpoint of victory, knowing that the battle had already been won. That no power in all creation could separate me from the love of God, for greater is he that is in me, than he that is in the world. That in my weakness his strength is made perfect. To be strong in the Lord and the power of his might, to walk in Grace with blessings and faith. That Jesus loved me, before I knew him and has given his life to save ME, to set me free, to give me hope and future!
The garden of my recovery was sown in the fields of hardship, watered with the tears that come from facing fears, and grown in the light of love through the season of grace. I can tell you this, I could not have done this alone. Every person, every event, whether I saw it to be good or bad, served a purpose in some way to help me grow. It was a long and weary walk that demanded constant commitment in a walk of endurance. Just when I thought I had it figured out, the next thing came along, with each new level came another devil. After about 9 months of these ups and downs I realized that, how I felt, did not hold much authenticity towards being legitimate evidence, that I can sustain this recovery for life. Around 11 months, the end of my term nearing, now knowing enough to realize that I don’t actually know that much, I wasn’t sure if I’d gotten far enough. I didn’t want to be a casualty of my own insanity again, I needed to make a choice but couldn’t trust myself. After much prayer and counsel, it was these words that cleared out my clouded vision. Don’t leave until I got what I came here for. It was strange hearing this as at first I thought I was here to deal with my addiction, but addiction was never the problem, it was the symptom, I was the problem and although I didn’t know definitively what it was that I came here for, that uneasy emptiness which had been my companion for so long, although much lighter, the fact that it was still there meant I hadn’t found it yet. It was tough, given that I was missing so many of my daughter’s firsts, crawling, sitting, her first steps, her first tooth and words, also everyday was a risk that my ex would go claim for full custody in my absence.
The truth still remained if these concerns really meant something I needed to make my recovery have a chance at lasting for life, so even though my family wasn’t very keen on it, I stayed on for some extra time. It was after a total of 14 months that my day came, my day to step into the world and clean the mess I made, to be a man and take on the responsibility of being a father. Feeling like Id accomplished so much, that I had, by enduring my time here at least made some level of amends with my family. Like they would be proud and supportive and encouraging and have my back all the way! Well they were happy, they were supportive but while I was on my “holiday” as they saw it, they had to clean up so much of the mess I made, they had to deal with the consequences of so many of my bad choices. They had to take care of my child and sacrifice so many of their plans to financially support me being here. To say it was tough was an understatement! I may have changed in so many drastic ways during my time, but the life I left behind, was still pretty much the same, in some areas festering from my absence. It was a harsh realization to recognize that it was now, that recovery actually began. It’s one thing to make a change, it’s a whole other thing to BE that change in the face of adversity and resistance with temptations on display, everywhere! It was through the support of Mighty Wings and hope in the Lord that I have been able to maintain and keep growing in my recovery. When the overwhelming feelings came shortly after leaving healing wings, that feeling that had me wondering how am I going to do this, there is no way I can put this back together, I’m doomed there is no hope. It was my relationship with the Lord that kept me going, and being in the company of so many like-minded at Mighty wings that kept me from straying.
There are so many incredible things that have happened as a result of my recovery but ill share with you just a few, the rest is for you to discover, should you affords yourself the opportunity to do so.
That fear I had of losing my daughter, she has been living with me for the past three years, I’m raising her as a single father with the support of a very loving family. It is the most incredible blessing that has me on my toes every day. The love I have for her is unlike I have ever experienced before
My sisters who once looked up to me in a big way, who during my addiction became a distant relationship as I couldn’t face them in my shame, now once again loved me have become a massive part of life in a good way. I once thought the way I was, was normal, until I got the chance to see them grow up through sober eyes! They are such incredible girls who bless me probably more than I them!
My moms and I after all the drama, anger and disappointment I had caused, she is now super proud of me, and are now closer than ever. She is a massive support for me and cares for me in way that I can’t even understand at times but our relationship is a blessing only God can provide!
My father who I hurt more than any other, who had practically disowned me, he loves me again tremendously. I have my father back, he gave me an opportunity to work in his company as a project manager and is extremely proud of me. So much in fact that in this week I have been given an offer to work in Australia with a huge increase. Quite a contrast from being two steps from being fired from my step Dads company when I was in addiction.
I’ve experienced dreams come true by performing my own songs both here and at Mighty Wings.
From being broken and insecure and a shadow of a man. I’m now a member of the leading edge at might wings, something far beyond what I could have comprehended. I remember back in the day, when I was asked what I wanted to do, to give back. My aspiration was to just operate the mixing desk during praise and worship, now running groups and leading the members, with sometimes fierce encouragement.
From being completely lost, broken and confused. I have come to know and have courage enough to be more myself that I had ever imagined. From being completely confused about God having the idea of him conformed to what fitted into my wants, to knowing him, in truth, in love, to be dependent on him loved and cared for.
Ultimately everything I have to show for my life which is good was a gift from God. As his promise says, He makes all things work towards the good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose!
To you who walk this road now I have this poem which I wrote shortly after leaving Healing Wings.
A house vs a Home
The simple plan, of a broken man, is to get back up, with a helping hand
standing now, he makes a vow, to be renewed, but knows not how
The book of life, has given him sight, to face the past, and win the fight
conquering the giants, in willful defiance, but a heart is amiss, in mindful reliance,
things looked good, from where he stood, haunted not, so move he should
though not inspired , he is quickly tired, grateful yes, but more is required
through all the tears, and realized fears, the reason was lost, in youthful years
the horizon instilled, some hopeful thrills, but returning to innocence, is how it is filled
he needed to believe, before he could leave, that love was a source, and not perceived
no longer a slave, but still in a cage, that kid was right, but died with age
to feel again, in pleasure and pain, was the missing link, from which he refrained
now the simple man, with his broken plan, needs a miracle, from his father’s hand
Trust in God, and let him guide you! We are called to be obedient, not necessarily to understand.